He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you'd like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday."
Moving closer he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes.After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained."I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, Lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
The man, who bought the condom in 1993 as part of a box of 12, said he hopes to strike up a conversation Sunday with a woman who uses the same laundromat as him.
* In August, Ukrainian Prime Minister Valery Pustovoitenko began
a crackdown on tax delinquents to collect the $3.5 billion the
government is owed. The centerpiece of the campaign is to call the
top 1,500 tax scofflaws, mostly business executives, to a military
base near Kiev, to live for an undetermined time in tents, to listen to
lectures on civil defense preparedness for natural disasters, until
apparently out of sheer boredom they decide to pay up.
* The notorious Japanese TV game show "Super Jockey" (which
features stunts like contestants competing to eat repulsive-flavored
ice cream) began selling commercial time on the show recently by
inviting potential sponsors to present bikini-clad women who would
endure dunkings in scalding-hot water and then be rewarded with
commercial time equivalent to the number of seconds they endured
* In July, Diane Parker accompanied husband Richard W. Parker
(who had been accused of drug trafficking) to federal court in Los
Angeles. According to friends, Diane was so supportive that she
had come prepared to put up her investment property and her
mother's townhouse to make Richard's bail. However, the
prosecutor began reciting to the judge facts about Richard's double
life that included a mistress and a safe house, and Diane's
expression changed dramatically. She removed her wedding ring
with a flourish, walked out of court, immediately drove to an
Orange County office where the mistress worked, and punched her
several times before being restrained.
* In March, students from Madrona Middle School, visiting
Torrance (Calif.) Superior Court to learn about the legal system,
were ushered by their teacher into a trial in session despite a
warning to the teacher that the subject matter was "sensitive."
Virtually the first thing the kids saw was, in a child molestation
case, the prosecutor's propping up two 10-inch dildos on the railing
of the witness stand so as to make her line of questioning more
vivid for the jury.
* Petty-theft defendant Ronnie Hawkins, acting as his own lawyer
in a Long Beach, Calif., courtroom in July, thought incessantly
talking back to Judge Joan Comparet-Cassani was a good strategy,
but Hawkins had been fitted with a remote-controlled "stun belt"
under his clothing, and the judge ordered a bailiff to send Hawkins
a bone-rattling 50,000-volts of electricity, causing him to grimace
and his body to turn as taut as a board for the 8-second blast. Five
days later in Oakland, Calif., Brian Tracey Hill suffered the same
fate during jury selection on an assault charge. However, Hill was
behaving perfectly; a sheriff's deputy had leaned over in his chair
and accidentally nudged the stun belt's trigger.
* Murder-trial juror Gillian Guess, 43, was convicted in June of obstruction of justice when a court in Vancouver, British Columbia, found that she was having a torrid sexual affair with the defendant, who was eventually acquitted in large part through jury-room advocacy by Guess. Witnesses said Guess appeared to be attracted to defendant Peter Gill early in the 1995 trial and frequently sat facing him instead of the witness box, sometimes with her legs wantonly uncrossed.
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