sheas irish bar "Bless you, my son!!!"
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you'd like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday."

Moving closer he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes.After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained."I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, Lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Building Better Bagpipes!
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower.

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

They Remember*!
Top Twenty Signs You're from New York
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
2. You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
3. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
4. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
5. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
6. The subway makes sense.
7. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
8. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
9. You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
10. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
11. Your door has more than three locks.
12. You go to a hockey game for the fighting: (a) In the stands. (b) To participate.
13. Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
14. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
15. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
16. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
17. You complain about having to mow it.
18. You are a skee-ball juggernaut.
19. You consider Westchester "Upstate".
20. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.
*Forwarded from Thara Alley to Taisia Gordon (my daughters) 3/4/99

Not in my state, you don't.
Alabama - It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. Alaska - In Fairbanks, it is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose. Arizona - In Nogales, it is illegal to wear suspenders. Arkansas - A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. California - It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. Colorado - It is against the law to do acrobatics that might frighten horses on the sidewalks. Connecticut - You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour. Delaware - Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment. Florida - Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Georgia - In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross a road. Hawaii - It is illegal to own a mongoose without a permit. Idaho - In Pocatello, ``It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city's reputation.'' Illinois - In Chicago, it is illegal to fish in one's pajamas. Indiana - Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend. Iowa - In Fort Madison, firemen are required to practice for 15 minutes before attending a fire. Kansas - In Lang, it is illegal to ride a mule down Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat. Kentucky - It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. Louisiana - It is against the law for undertakers to advertise their services by giving away pencils carrying the name of the funeral home. Maine - In Rumford, it is illegal for a tenant to bite his/her landlord. Maryland - It's illegal to mistreat oysters. Massachusetts - In Boston, Massachusetts, an ordinance states that any pickle for sale must bounce four inches when dropped from waist height. Michigan - New regulations in Detroit, Michigan, permit mail carriers to wear Bermuda shorts, but they are required to wear black socks. Minnesota - It's illegal to tease skunks. Mississippi - In Truro, a would-be groom must "prove himself manly" prior to marriage by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows. Missouri - In Saco, women are forbidden from wearing hats that "might frighten timid persons, children or animals." Montana - In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels. Nebraska - In Omaha, barbers are forbidden from shaving their customers' chests. Nevada - In Eureka, Nevada, the law reads: "A mustache is a known carrier of germs, and a man cannot wear one if he habitually kisses human beings." New Hampshire - It is illegal to sell the clothes one is wearing to pay off a gambling debt. New Jersey - In Trenton, it is illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street. New Mexico - Cab drivers are forbidden to reach out and pull prospective customers into their cabs. New York - It is illegal to read while walking in the streets in New York City. North Carolina - In Charlotte, women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times. North Dakota - In Fargo, one may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place. Ohio - In Cleveland, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear. Oklahoma - People who make ``ugly faces'' at dogs may be fined and/or jailed. Oregon - In Marion, ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon. Pennsylvania - Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk. Rhode Island - It is illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley. South Carolina - No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants. South Dakota - It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. Tennessee - You cannot give any pie you order in a restaurant to a friend; nor can you wrap the pie in a napkin to take home and eat later. You must, by law, eat every bit of the pie before leaving the restaurant. (Another law I heard of was that in Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists." Texas - A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. Utah - In Monroe, daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor. Vermont - It is illegal to whistle underwater. Virginia - A law prohibits bringing a mule into town and hitching it to a fire-alarm box in Washington, D.C. Washington - Seattle residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet. West Virginia - In Salem, it is against the law to eat candy any time during the hour and a half before attending a church service. During the same period, it is illegal to sell candy to a minor. Wisconsin - It is against the law for a car to drip on the pavement. The fine for this offense is one dollar for each drop. Wyoming - It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs peoples' view in a public theater or place of amusement.

Guess who...
A 33-year-old Bronx near-virgin, may never find out if the Ramses Extra Sensitive condom in his wallet is still good, it was reported last Sunday. "I really hope it hasn't deteriorated in the past three years," he said of the birth-control device, which was first inserted into his wallet in March 1996, prior to a St. Patrick's Day party that "didn't pan out." "I don't really have any particularly strong leads right now, but it'd be nice to know I was prepared just in case anything came up."

The man, who bought the condom in 1993 as part of a box of 12, said he hopes to strike up a conversation Sunday with a woman who uses the same laundromat as him.

shea fat More Fascinating News
* A man whose name was not released checked in to a Howard Johnson's motel in Murfreesboro, Tenn., on July 15 for two days and left behind 12 jars' worth of Vaseline smeared on the carpet, furniture, curtains, walls, bedspreads, sheets, and towels, resulting in a $1,300 cleanup job. No motive was apparent, and police have been unable to find him.

* In August, Ukrainian Prime Minister Valery Pustovoitenko began a crackdown on tax delinquents to collect the $3.5 billion the government is owed. The centerpiece of the campaign is to call the top 1,500 tax scofflaws, mostly business executives, to a military base near Kiev, to live for an undetermined time in tents, to listen to lectures on civil defense preparedness for natural disasters, until apparently out of sheer boredom they decide to pay up.

* The notorious Japanese TV game show "Super Jockey" (which features stunts like contestants competing to eat repulsive-flavored ice cream) began selling commercial time on the show recently by inviting potential sponsors to present bikini-clad women who would endure dunkings in scalding-hot water and then be rewarded with commercial time equivalent to the number of seconds they endured the pain.

Freddy Krueger, D.D.S.
* In July, the Tennessee Supreme Court reinstated patient Frances Blanchard's lawsuit against Memphis dentist Arlene Kellum for allegedly committing battery by attempting to pull out all 32 of her teeth in one sitting. (Blanchard, who has a gum disease, said she thought it would be done over several visits.) Kellum was half done when Blanchard fainted and had to be hospitalized for six days. And a jury in Oklahoma City awarded $1.3 million to Mark Macsenti in June for brain damage he suffered when dentist Jon D. Becker went to sleep during an appointment and left Macsenti hooked up to nitrous oxide for about 10 hours.

Addressing the Babe Shortage
* In July, Canada's Human Resources Development office announced it was creating a special legal category for strippers entering the country, to address what a leading immigration lawyer called "a shortage of exotic dancers." And according to a Times of London report in April, a glut of British fashion models was crowding out British computer tech people in the fight for valuable work permits in California this summer, to the chagrin of Apple, Texas Instruments, and other firms, since the law that authorizes work permits explicitly puts models on even footing with anyone who has a college degree.

The Career-Ending Bounced Check
* Georgia state Sen. Ralph David Abernathy III, son of the late civil rights leader, announced his retirement from politics in July after his $400 re-election filing fee check bounced. His legislative career included an incident of following a female into a state Capitol ladies' room and of being caught with marijuana in his underwear at the Atlanta airport. He said he plans to enter the seminary.

More Recent Rages
* (1) Chewing Gum Rage: A 5-foot, 380-lb. man who accidentally sat on chewing gum in a Bellevue, Neb., movie theater in July took off his sticky pants, walked around, yelled and seethed, and punched out a glass case. (2) Spelling Rage: Bronx, N.Y., school board member Dennis Coleman disrupted a July meeting by haranguing the staff and refusing to be quieted by the chancellor when he discovered that the word "rescind" was misspelled on a resolution to be voted on. (3) Barber Rage: In July, Providence, R.I., barber Sam Johnson, 53, upset that a 21-month-old customer wouldn't be still, allegedly whacked the kid in the head with his electric clipper and then sprayed alcohol to make the cut sting.

Courtroom Follies
* Convicted killer Robert Hunt lost his appeal to the Nebraska Supreme Court in June. In his closing argument at trial, Hunt's lawyer, in an effort to gain the jury's sympathy for Hunt, had called him a "creepy, slimy, sexual degenerate," and Hunt complained that the strategy obviously backfired, in that he got a life sentence. The Supreme Court said Hunt would probably have been convicted anyway (but took no position on whether the lawyer's statement was accurate).

* In July, Diane Parker accompanied husband Richard W. Parker (who had been accused of drug trafficking) to federal court in Los Angeles. According to friends, Diane was so supportive that she had come prepared to put up her investment property and her mother's townhouse to make Richard's bail. However, the prosecutor began reciting to the judge facts about Richard's double life that included a mistress and a safe house, and Diane's expression changed dramatically. She removed her wedding ring with a flourish, walked out of court, immediately drove to an Orange County office where the mistress worked, and punched her several times before being restrained.

* In March, students from Madrona Middle School, visiting Torrance (Calif.) Superior Court to learn about the legal system, were ushered by their teacher into a trial in session despite a warning to the teacher that the subject matter was "sensitive." Virtually the first thing the kids saw was, in a child molestation case, the prosecutor's propping up two 10-inch dildos on the railing of the witness stand so as to make her line of questioning more vivid for the jury.

* Petty-theft defendant Ronnie Hawkins, acting as his own lawyer in a Long Beach, Calif., courtroom in July, thought incessantly talking back to Judge Joan Comparet-Cassani was a good strategy, but Hawkins had been fitted with a remote-controlled "stun belt" under his clothing, and the judge ordered a bailiff to send Hawkins a bone-rattling 50,000-volts of electricity, causing him to grimace and his body to turn as taut as a board for the 8-second blast. Five days later in Oakland, Calif., Brian Tracey Hill suffered the same fate during jury selection on an assault charge. However, Hill was behaving perfectly; a sheriff's deputy had leaned over in his chair and accidentally nudged the stun belt's trigger.

* Murder-trial juror Gillian Guess, 43, was convicted in June of obstruction of justice when a court in Vancouver, British Columbia, found that she was having a torrid sexual affair with the defendant, who was eventually acquitted in large part through jury-room advocacy by Guess. Witnesses said Guess appeared to be attracted to defendant Peter Gill early in the 1995 trial and frequently sat facing him instead of the witness box, sometimes with her legs wantonly uncrossed.

Least Competent Person
* Michael H. Egli was found in contempt of court in Daytona Beach, Fla., in August. He had tried to get out of jury duty by sending the court clerk two messages announcing that he "hate[s]" "[epithet for blacks], cops, and judges." Egli has a kidney condition that requires regularly scheduled dialysis and was surprised when the judge told him he would automatically have been excluded from jury duty, anyway.

Recurring Themes
* From time to time News of the Weird has reported on the fluctuating value of the late Italian artist Piero Manzoni's personal feces, which he canned in 1961 as art objects in 90 tins, 30 grams at a time. The Baltimore Sun reported in 1993 that one tin sold for $75,000 at the top of the market. The latest sale, in July 1998 at Sotheby's in London, was for about $28,800. However, even with the drop in price, as Forbes magazine pointed out, Manzoni's feces is still about $1,000 per gram, almost 100 times the price of gold ($9.50 per gram).

Thinning the Herd
* A 17-year-old boy was killed in Navarino, Wis., in July when shrapnel from a mailbox he was playfully blowing up with a firecracker severed his carotid artery. And a 28-year-old man drowned in Mount Clemens, Mich., in July in an apartment-house pool while winning a game with his friends as to who could hold his breath underwater the longest.

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